here today

 

running tests.

what a day what a day what an evening what a night. I am here in my sort of dorm room at school - it used to be a monastary so on school weekends we all stay for three nights in our rooms. Our non-monastic wi-fi filled rooms.



this morning I flew down from portland - stopped in los angeles airport.



los angeles airport and a call that mom, my mom who was born with a defective heart and who is so tough the scary one the one who always scared me - but also so fragile with her heart murmer and open heart surgery at 13, again at 20 and my whole life I've thought that she will someday die. los angeles airport call from my sister to say that mom fell three times last night just fell and couldn't remember why the falling woke up on the floor went back to bed finally dad call 911 in the morning. they are running tests my sister said. tests. they have her in the ICU and they are running tests and suddenly I'm a little kid in my head I'm a little kid even though I sound like a mini-therapist already talking to my sister in a calm therapist voice but inside I'm a little kid thinking she's going to die this is it she will die.



she will not die. not today or tomorrow. not from this which is probably just an infection that got her out of whack because she goes easily to the land of too low blood pressure so a little dopamine a batch of antibiotics and voila she will probably be home soon



though they are running a few tests just to rule things out.



today was about systems. we discussed family systems and relationship systems so
of course I'm trying to figure out what my undiscussed contracts might be. I'm trying to figure out what my place is in the triangles. and I'm doing this with a migraine and I've had one each weekend since I started this program in October. each time I come here to this school of depth of Jung of process, my head takes me away with the pain and I can't feel, can't think.



I'm ready when I return to tackle the migraines. I've tried so many things and the so many things work for awhile and now, now, I want to get to the beginning of it. I want to know why they started when I was five
years old. what family battles was I internalizing? who was I saving?



I want to look at the system. my internal system that sends signals to my shoulders, my head my heart I can't breathe and it hurts. My external system though one could argue that it's internal, too - but my external system of family and friends and husband. starting with family, though. begin with the beginning.



and I want my mom's heart to heal.

Posted by: 120pages at 20:21 | link | comments (1) |