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in class a few months ago we wrote fuck poems and read them out loud and really I just pretended to write one and I did not read anything out loud but instead listened to my classmates rant at their mothers and sisters and fathers and teachers and lovers and husbands. I listened to all of that Fuck Him and Fuck Her and Fuck Me and my throat closed up and I could not breathe in or out.
my mother (fuck her) used to laugh at me whenever I got mad and so instead of getting mad I would go cold and hard and stare at her daring her to find something funny in my silent fury. and she would and she did and thursday in therapy when johanna my therapist suggested that I yell at the person who stole my favorite jewelry I felt my throat close and my face get hot. is that anger? I wondered so we came up with a plan whih is that I will write my own fuck rants in this anonymous blog and i do not have to read them out loud.
fuck rant number one:
fuck the good girl in a white dress clutching blood red roses walking slowly towards hope that this time it will be different. fuck pinning all the dreams on one imperfect person who might not be there when you wake up or worse yet you might lose yourself in the wanting. fuck slowly creeping into silence and handing over each fresh note that made You not her not him. fuck early to bed and late to the day. fuck turning away from the raw funk of your own self. fuck not fucking for three days in a row because you can't imagine being touched when you are angry but the anger will not yet move away from your own skin.
Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. Secure adults don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to them.
Avoidant adults are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; they find it difficult to trust others completely, difficult to allow themselves to depend on others. Avoidant adults are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being.
Anxious / ambivalent adults find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. Anxious / ambivalent adults often worry that their partner doesn't really love them or won't want to stay with them. Anxious / ambivalent adults want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.
so much news!
I begin with the four bunches of tulips next to me on the desk so happy that it's Spring cherry trees everywhere. Spring! went for a walk yesterday a bunny ran across the path and I laughed like a kid. Spring. yes.
my next topic is about how I will begin again to learn to be a therapist. My new traineeship starts in the summer. My new traineeship wherein the supervisor is not insane but in fact nurturing. My new traineeship for which I will choose a theory and then see how it plays out in the therapy room. I am leaning towards Attachment though I tend towards avoidance myself so that should make the whole experiment pretty interesting.
finally there is the genogram map of my family in all of their chaos and infamy. if you've done one you know the twenty hours of work calling relatives for dates and drama and births, deaths, divorces, incest. then graphing it out in color delineating between the murderers and the Baptists and the smokers and the abused. It measured three feet across and yes I wrote measured in the past tense because it is missing. lost for nearly three weeks now between my office and the professor's home no way to track it no way to find it no way to know who has seen it and why.
I mean, it was not the work that I had put into it that makes it so painful - it is the thought of me out there in the world somewhere not in control of who sees me & what they do with that seeing - I like to roll all of it up and tuck it inside mostly - I've been called by those who love me and by those frustrated by trying to know me - an onion, a cipher, whatever - someone with layers and layers hidden away - so WOW - to have some of those layers exposed unwittenly unbidden unchosen just really freaks me the fuck out.
I had copies rough ones - Ben said be sure to make copies. Ben, I said, this thing can't disappear it is my life the life of my family all of the secrets in one envelope it can't wander off that would not be okay. Make copies he said and I did - so two days ago sent the taped and muddled copies messy second rate version using the same type of white tyvek envelope and sharpie to write out her name the name of the one person who is supposed to receive it. please send out your prayers with mine that it flies straight this time that genogram.
