here today

 

call anytime

hey mermaid friend.  I say call anytime and I mean it.  Call anytime. 

But I can't sleep can't eat can't think.  Living it the past re-living the past.  Call anytime and while we talk I'll be there with you talking but after it's over when we hang up I'm back to the night I left L.A. driving North with my chocolate covered espresso beans Ozomatli in the tape deck driving North in the volvo station wagon that eventually he wanted because it reminded him of his mom.  So did the diamond ring so I sent him that too.  She gave it to me when she was dying said I was the daughter she never had I loved that ring but afterwards I couldn't look at it with clear eyes so letting it go was easier than leaving the ivy covered walls of our tiny home.  The night I left L.A. my friends helped me pack helped me decide which bed to take. Helped me say good-bye to the cat.  I never liked the cat.  Walter was his name.

Call anytime but everytime you do.  Everytime you do I slip a little further.

The night I left L.A. I left at midnight.  Right after my birthday.  Birthday night out celebrating on Larchmont way before it was franchised.  Larchmont was a local spot a local street with that cheese shop where they knew me by name.  Birthday night out came home to a pile of cds on the porch a gift from him and so odd to look at the titles so odd to look at the titles four of them bought by me already just the day before.  And how does someone who knows me enough to know that I would Love those cds.  I would love those 6 cds enough that I had already purchased 66% of them, two thirds of them were already inside the house unwrapped and listened to.  How does somebody who knows me that well leave like that just leave like that. 

And you know what?  I called you that night and so many nights.  I called you crying on the porch with the stack of cds, ring on my hand volvo in the driveway Walter inside.   I called from the porch holding my birthday present already leaving that life already gone.   And you listened and we talked and I went inside and packed up my heart, my paintings, some silverware.  You listened.

so dearheart.  Call anytime and this time I will listen to you.  but oh. 

Posted by: 120pages at 22:46 | link | comments (4) |

mermaid

what do I say in the middle of the night to a friend who normally does the comforting?  what do I say on the couch drinking tea Lu in my lap so happy that I'm awake petting her head soothing the leftover Halloween angst?

what do I say to the mermaid girl full of laughter and light when the dream is over the fantasy of perfect and everlasting love? 

what do I say?  

I say it's hard it's awful you're sad and he's sad.  There is no good and right way to do this there is only what we wish we were strong enough to do.  I say I know, I know.  I say I lost all of my friends from that time in my life except you.  I lost all my friends because I couldn't find a good and right way to do it either.  I was awful to him he was awful to me. 

what do I say? 

I say you took my middle of the night phone calls and listened to me generously without judgement just love for me the heart of me. 

I say call any time.

Posted by: 120pages at 15:55 | link | comments |

trick or treat.

lucy has a hard time with children.  lucy doesn't like costumes involving masks and/or big hair.  lucy barks like mad whenever anyone approaches the house.

lucy + halloween = not so good.

ben gets mad at the kids who don't dress up.  I feel bad for them - must be parents who just don't care somewhere in the background.  lucy barks, the kids back off, ben mutters about their costumes.  I chase them down the street proffering candy like some demented hausfrau.

 

Posted by: 120pages at 15:37 | link | comments (1) |